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Being a master when it comes to the ladies isn't easy, but it's a talent I've had to deal with my entire life. I've been called a "mac," a "game-spitter," and a Casanova - all I know is I got a knack for what the ladies want to hear.
Those who were lucky enough to attend the hardcore session of speed dating last week in the Bell Memorial Union Auditorium got to see my talent put to good use.
I don't know what it is about the words "uh," "um," and "what did you say?" that makes women coo, but my SIM card was smoking after adding all the phone numbers I got by the end of the night.
It wasn't just my choice of words. It also had to do with giving off a sense of self-confidence.
When a new prospect would sit down, I'd immediately stare off into the distance to look mysterious and busy at the same time. Then, I'd offer her a breathy "Hello, my lady," while looking directly at her chest - to check her nametag. I've found it's important to know her name because if you don't, it reduces your chance of scoring by at least 25 percent.
There was Amber, who I really hit it off with right from the start. She said my bulbous head reminded her of her favorite childhood cartoon character. Nice, I thought, this was going somewhere. I wasn't paying much attention because she was flapping on forever, but I think she said something like, "You're the Charlie Brown of dating - hopeless, completely hopeless."
Being the wordsmith that I am, I asked her if she wanted ditch the BMU so I could show her I was no Charlie Brown and all Snoop Dogg.
But then she got up from the table, and shouted "freak!" at some dude behind me. I don't know what that guy did, but she seemed pissed.
Then, another tempting gazelle named Hailey frolicked my way, and we got on the conversation of movies. She said my thick eyebrows reminded her of "Cool Ethan" from the movie "Slackers." I also gave off the same vibe as the character played by the sexy Jason Schwartzman, according to the lovely Hailey.
I've never seen the movie, but with a name like "Cool Ethan," that must have been one hell of a compliment. I didn't have enough time to ask her where she lived because she came with the always-annoying jealous friend who didn't want to see us having any fun.
"Ms. Has-no-fun" grabbed Hailey by the wrist and clomped out of the room in a tizzy.
"Don't hate the playa, hate the game, Ms. Has-no-fun!" I shouted.
But I shrugged it off - it happens all the time.
There were a few other titillating potentials I met throughout the night, but unfortunately, I wound up empty-handed. But I think I shot a lot of cupid darts into the hearts of Chico State's finest. It's only a matter of time until I hook myself a keeper.
Though I understand there are plenty of fish in the sea for ladies to choose from, they need look no further, because I'm the big kahuna they've been looking for.
Mike Murphy is only kidding but desperately
wants you to contact him at mmurphy@theorion.com
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