 "Photo: Illustration by Brandon Redenius")
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In college, "relationship" suddenly becomes a four-letter word.
Every once in a while, we're reminded that people aren't in it just for the nookie. Couples strolling through campus holding hands or showing up at a themed party in matching outfits provide proof that real relationships exist. But with college having the stigma that it's "all about having fun," the environment is not ideal for a thriving relationship.
Because it is socially unacceptable for women to initiate direct advances - which doesn't mean I don't advocate girl power - that leaves men with the duty of wooing us gals.
With that kind of pressure, mistakes are inevitable. Essentially, screwing up won't get you screwed.
Whatever you do, men, don't introduce yourself via rhyming.
"This guy was totally cute, and then he started rapping (to me)," said psychology major Melina Villalpando. "And I was like, 'Whoa. Stop.'"
Hearing this, I can't help but ask: What the hell are men thinking? I was determined to find some answers.
Walking across campus one afternoon, I caught a glimpse of a booth raising funds for cancer research. Behind the table sat a gold mine: frat boys. Bingo.
Tattered blue notebook in hand, I approached and donated $1 to the cause, hoping they would donate to mine.
"If I donate $1, will you guys answer a question?" I said.
It was as if I had told them I would give them $100.
"Sure!" they replied.
"All right," I said, putting the money into their container. "What are your fellas' best tactics for picking up chicks?"
All of them perked up and immediately looked as if they had just been given a no-brainer on an exam. They stood poised and ready to answer. Yet, after they started blabbing, it was almost as if their strategies were shameful secrets or they just didn't have any.
"First I start off with a 'Hi,' and give her the soft eyes - they're hazel, if you were wondering - and finish it up with the winning personality," said junior Russell Benson.
Unsatisfied with the vagueness, I went around the circle of men until I found something worthy of insight. Each answer was met with laughs and a sense of camaraderie from the others. I suddenly realized that I was the "ho" in the "bros before hos" scenario.
Just when I thought I had heard it all, junior Mike Bordalampe put in his 2 cents.
"There are three steps," he said, almost professionally. "One: Insult her. Two: Show her your softer side. And three: Isolate and close."
"How do you insult her?" I said, intrigued by the first-grade approach to getting a mate.
"It's different for every situation," he said. "You gotta look at your playbook every time."
The guys then launched into a barrage of sports jargon and something about having a Peyton Manning on the sidelines to call out plays. It was all a blur. Too much sports talk confuses my tiny blond brain.
At first, I was a little outraged by this response, so I took a deep breath and called a friend for guidance. He conceded that out of all the tactics I told him, the primal approach was most effective.
"It's a way of evening out the playing field," he said.
Great, more sports.
Women have the advantage and the power because they get to pick whom they want, he said. They're used to men vying for their attention, so by doing the opposite - by making them reconsider how attractive or special they are - women suddenly have to prove themselves. That's the desired effect.
The guy then lightens up and shows a "softer side," and by then she's playing right into his hands. By isolating her from her friends, there is a better chance of closing the deal.
At the end of the conversation, I hung up the phone a little wiser. It made sense in a backward logic sort of way. Although, I certainly don't feel superior when a man walks up to me at a party, or anywhere, and says something sleazy or smacks my butt.
All the sports analogies began to sink in, and I started to wonder: Is this all a game?
There are documented strategies for using a woman's primitive psychology against her in order to get her to notice a man, get with him and stay with him. And when a guy has a verbal arsenal aimed to gain affection, it's called "game," which is used to get "play," and when it's successful, it's called "scoring."
So who's keeping score? Moreover, who's winning?
Megan Wilson can be reached at mwilson@theorion.com
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