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A little white vibrating disc about the size of a small poker chip could end all your problems.
People laugh at the idea that "cure-alls" and "miracle elixirs" were once peddled in the streets, and even more shocking - people bought them. However, this concept is still played up in modern marketing.
Take for example, the iPosture. It's a little white disc that vibrates when you slouch and "can make you inches taller," cure your hunchback syndrome, relieve your lower back pain, flatten your flabby belly and - my personal favorite - increase your chest size, the iPosture Web site claims.
Can it do my homework and pay my bills, too? Honestly. The answer to your flabby stomach is not standing up straight. It may reduce the amount of "pooch" that you have, but if you're really that far gone it's not going to help. It doesn't make you any skinnier; it just makes you look super tense, almost as if you're trying to hold a dime between your thighs.
If you've got a less-than-stellar stomach, maybe a better option than sucking and standing up straight is the Slendertone Flex Abdominal Toning System Belt, better known as the "ab-shocking thingy."
This life-changing invention basically shocked people's abs into contracting involuntarily. Very "American." Another classic.
And as for the "increase in chest size" claim, all I can do is giggle. The little device costs $89.85 and for that price you could just go get a killer push-up bra and one of those freaky, stomach-holding-in bodysuits to wear under everything you own.
That seems like the more "American" way to do it. Just buy something that will cover it up. And what is the biggest flaw of the iPosture? It actually makes you work. Now that's certainly not American.
"My shoulders were exhausted after just a couple hours," said Andrew Smith from The Dallas Morning News in an article about the product. "By the end of my first day, I could hardly lift my arms high enough to remove my shirt."
The funny thing about this little contraption is that its target market is the lazy people who don't have enough willpower to sit up straight every day, but after reading Smith's review it sounds like the toughest way to be lazy.
When I'm going to invest in something to maintain my standards of laziness, I'm not going to pay a hundred bucks for a little disc that's going to shock me into submission. That's too much work. I'm going to try to do as little as possible and get as much out of it as I can.
The iPosture also claims to make you appear more confident and successful. Just for fun, try to imagine what I'm picturing here: I can see myself sitting at a table in the Bell Memorial Union Marketplace, minding my own business. Out of the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of a twitchy, nerd-type of kid staring at me.
He looks like he wants to say "hi" and introduce himself, so he tries to make his way over. As he steps toward me he hunches his shoulders, a natural physiological response to nervousness and insecurity. Just then he gets buzzed repeatedly in the collarbone, scaring the crap out of him and making him jump. Great. Even more awkward.
This doesn't make anyone more confident, it just makes it look as if you're some sort of meth addict.
Looking successful is another claim that just boggles me. If a random homeless guy puts this little thing on he'll appear to be as successful as the CEO of a Fortune 500 company? I seriously doubt it.
These inventions aren't really good for much other than laughing hysterically at during the wee hours. They won't make you skinnier, happier, more successful, more confident or give your bust a boost. You go ahead and keep trying, though.
Jen Siino can be reached at jsiino@theorion.com
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