 "Photo: Andrew Long")
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Stereotyping is often a bad practice, but looking at someone's exterior is so much more efficient than actually getting to know them.
We start identifying ourselves and others based on appearance at a young age. As a matter of fact, my parents love to regale me with stories from my childhood where I, as a 4-year-old, would introduce myself as, "I'm Megan and I have yellow hair," to anyone who would ask - and some who didn't.
I knew being a blonde was part of my identity, fortunately, I was unaware of the unsolicited barrage of blond jokes I was going to receive from strangers in the years to come.
It's automatic to assume things about a person based on how they look. Over the years, for instance, I've made minor changes to my appearance: the occasional reading glasses, pink hair layered under my blond, and most recently, a lip piercing - each of which garner a different reaction from whomever I tended to be speaking.
In order to be on top of your game - and avoid embarrassment - here's a foolproof style guide, explaining how you'll be judged by society.
Rule 1: It doesn't matter what you look like, glasses instantly make anyone look smarter. It even overrides the blond hair. Forget the insults that manifested in elementary school, we're in the big leagues now. Those once-ridiculed pieces of face candy will put you on the fast track to impressing future employers, classmates and professors. Don't have good enough luck to have poor eyesight? Places like Claire's sell fake, plastic glasses. Perfection!
Rule 2: The opposite of rule No. 1 is sweat pants. Thrusting oneself into public donning baggy-in-the-crotch sweat pants is just never OK. Are we - or the state - paying thousands of dollars per year to attend a public university only to walk around in prisoner-wear? No. And having children in Third World countries sew "Love Pink" on the bum doesn't make 'em any classier. Trying to amend this situation by following Rule No. 1 will automatically induce brain aneurisms. So don't try it. It takes about two extra seconds to button up those jeans. When it doubt, don't wear it out.
Rule 3: The way your hair looks says a lot about who you are. Take Britney Spears for example, she only attacked a sport utility vehicle with an umbrella after she shaved her head. Coincidence? I think not.
Rule 4: Tattoos and piercings are a constantly contentious issue. I paid $50 for a hole to be put in my lip - to hopefully, and rebelliously, heal the hole in my heart caused by a breakup. It seems the number of piercings that one has is directly proportional to the volume of music coming from his or her iPod headphones - which itself is a basis for judgment seeing as just about everybody has one.
Tattoos are either really awesome or really … not. A lot of employers won't even hire you simply because you got inked. It depends on which art you choose. For example, any tattoo that represents something to its owner obviously personifies their dedication and devotion. Also, tattoos are expensive. They most likely had to work hard to get it. On the other hand, if someone has the name or a portrait of their significant other somewhere on their body, fire them. Immediately. Do not associate with this person. They're wildly impulsive and irrational and have entirely too much money to burn.
Rule 5: As of July, it will be illegal in California to talk on the phone and drive sans hands-free device. But bringing a Bluetooth into your life doesn't automatically increase your self-worth, in fact, there's nothing cool about appearing to talk to yourself. Crazy people can accomplish that. Abusing this gadget more than is required - like continuing to do labor-intensive jobs while blabbing - doesn't make you a multitasker. It makes you a Bluetool. Don't be sucked in.
Socialization would like us to believe stereotypes are worthless, shallow habits of the past. What I've come to realize is resistance is ultimately futile and segmented groups are formed regardless. However, as long as you're happy with who you are, other people's approval doesn't matter.
Oh, who am I kidding? Yes it does.
Megan Wilson can be reached at mwilson@theorion.com
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