These hulking, heaving, dribbling gods of war do not discriminate who they slaughter with their razor-sharp songs from space.
Earth’s only openly extraterrestrial metal band of Gwar-iors will lay waste to all who step through the doors of the Senator Theatre on Thursday.
This month, GWAR celebrates their 25th anniversary, returning to outer space, running out of drugs then coming back to the mud ball Earth, said lead singer Oderus Urungus, a 43 billion-year-old devil-horned barbarian from the planet Scumdogia.
Millions of years had passed since the five-piece murder band was banished to Earth by the cosmic Master, but upon completing the repairs to their space ship, the band’s recent return to space was not all they had been hoping for, Urungus said.
“Outer space sucks now,” he said. “Cardinal Sin, an intergalactic asshole, conquered the rest of the universe while we were gone and turned it into a pussy strip mall. All of our favorite bars are shut down. No strip clubs, no metal and no crack.”
GWAR has acquired a near cult-like following that has drawn in masses with raunchy, obscene lyrics and graphic, mentally scarring stage performances.
At past shows, crowd members held their faces high and arms open as they were splattered with blood and innards from GWAR’s stage butchering. Attending a GWAR show is like landing in the middle of a “Braveheart” battle scene, a Metallica concert and a “Star Wars” film at the same time.
GWAR claims to have two main goals in life — besides ingesting as much crack as they can find.
The destruction of the human race and the eradication of existence itself, said Urungus, who got a taste for blood and murder at a very young age.
“My first kill was a chicken midget from another galaxy right after I was birthed,” he said. “I played with him for five hours before I ripped his heart out with my teeth. It was great. It was my coming out party. I killed within 15 minutes of being born.”
Though the band’s primary food source is the human race, Urungus has an addiction to crack that he has no intention of overcoming, he said. For this creature, what it really comes down to is where his next hit is coming from.
“I have to have crack to do anything, really,” he said. “Anything. I mean, we eat crack, you guys eat beans and we eat crack. I’ve been eating so much of it — 30, 40 tons a day. I don’t know if there’s enough crack on the planet. It’s so good. I love it. It makes me a big slobbery mass of filth.”
If Urungus and company eat truckloads of crack before and while they play, then that pretty much explains everything. Based on Urungus’ description of the upcoming show, there are going to be some seriously unholy things going down.
“There’re gonna be some babies that get fucked and at least one that gets raped,” he said. “Cardinal Sin will show up and get his giant robot ass kicked the fuck out of. Bring a wrench or something hard you can fight robots with. You’re gonna need to arm yourselves.”
So what should be expected at the upcoming show besides baby rape, robot clobbering and monsters playing thrash metal?
“At our show?” Urungus said. “Your girlfriend getting beaten up, dragged underneath the stage, turned into GWAR dog food. The greatest show on earth. The world’s best metal band is coming to your town to masturbate on you.”
Joel Hersch can be reached at
jhersch@theorion.com
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