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Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You’re named after your father’s third mistress.
Pisces
Feb. 20-March 20
That 30 pack doesn’t make up for your lack of a six pack.
Aries
March 21-April 19
The only big bang theory you’re aware of is a porno.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
You’re only seeing GI Joe for the baroness in shiny leather.
Gemini
May 21-June 21
Microwaving popcorn does’t prove you can cook.
Cancer
June 22- July 22
You are convinced these horrorscopes are “real.”
Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22
The only reason North Korea would launch a nuke? Your face.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Shorts must be longer than your undies to be called shorts.
Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22
You smoke organic cigarettes because they are “healthier.”
Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
Your eyebrows are more cultivated than a fine topiary.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You’re still saying “that’s what she said.” Stop.
Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Is that a bruise or a hickey? Either way, you messed up.
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