Horrorscopes: with Silvertalon Ravensong

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19

You’re named after your father’s third mistress.

Pisces
Feb. 20-March 20

That 30 pack doesn’t make up for your lack of a six pack.

Aries
March 21-April 19

The only big bang theory you’re aware of is a porno.

Taurus
April 20-May 20

You’re only seeing GI Joe for the baroness in shiny leather.

Gemini
May 21-June 21

Microwaving popcorn does’t prove you can cook.

Cancer
June 22- July 22

You are convinced these horrorscopes are “real.”

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

The only reason North Korea would launch a nuke? Your face.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Shorts must be longer than your undies to be called shorts.

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

You smoke organic cigarettes because they are “healthier.”

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Your eyebrows are more cultivated than a fine topiary.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

You’re still saying “that’s what she said.” Stop.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Is that a bruise or a hickey? Either way, you messed up.
 

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