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Horrorscopes | with the all-knowing Shazam

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Published: Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Updated: Tuesday, May 19, 2009

 Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19

You look like you could rollerblade on sunshine.

Pisces
Feb. 20-March 20

You’re as refreshing as an icy treat on a hot summer’s day.

Aries
March 21-April 19

You are the icing on my favorite cake.

Taurus
April 20 - May 20

Your eyes remind me of a perfect tropical sunset.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

Your personality renews my faith in the human race.

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

 

Unicorns are real. And they totally love you back.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

You’re as breathtaking as a rainbow full of gold.

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Knowing you is like having Christmas every day.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

If I had three wishes, I’d have three of you.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

You’re still a huge asshole. Deal with it.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

I see God’s glory shining inside of you.

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