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What is it with America and explosions? Whether we’re invading foreign countries or heading to the Cineplex, it seems fiery crashes are all the rage.
Summer just seems to amp up the blistering trend. The Fourth of July calls for setting things on fire and watching them go ka-boom and Barbecues are all about roasting flesh with scorching heat.
Summer movies are more of the same — not that I’m complaining. Mindless fun is still fun, and if there’s one thing summer blockbusters offer in spades it’s mindless fun.
The hallmarks of any good summer blockbuster include: an alien attack, motorcycles doing awesome stunts, cars being set on fire, cheesy one-liners, rockets, sexual innuendo, more rockets, nuclear weapons, tanks, robots that turn into cars, another alien attack and finally, some rockets.
The formula is pretty stale, but that doesn’t stop people from turning out in droves to have their corneas assaulted by big-budget effects.
And this summer is no exception. So join me on a magic-mystery tour of the future of cinema, wont you?
I’ve scanned the Internet for this summer’s biggest blockbusters and managed to narrow it down to my top three. You may disagree with me, but I’m the one writing this so boo-hoo, get over it.
The undeniable behemoth of this summer is going to be “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” The sequel to Michael Bay’s cringe-worthy retooling of the Transformers franchise, this one looks to double up on fiery carnage and bad acting. I suppose Bay’s strategy is to overload our eyes with so much information that our ears won’t be able to pick up on the stilted dialogue and gaping plot holes. The thing is, he’s totally right. Watching Megan Fox put on her “tough-girl who likes cars but still wants to be feminine” routine, along with copious amounts of artificially buttered popcorn, will complement the computer graphics nicely.
But there’s a close second. “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” looks to fit the blockbuster mold even better than anthropomorphic robots. Expect the dialogue to be short and sweet with more care given to CGI explosions than plot lines. And keep your eyes peeled for Snake Eyes. I’d see this movie for him alone.
Finally, let’s focus on a dark horse in this race to the bottom. “District 9” seems to be an unconventional movie that still grasps the conventions of a summer blockbuster.
Peter Jackson produced this visually stunning colossus. It seems aliens have taken up residence on Earth and the locals aren’t too pleased. In fact, we’re downright mean. Does anyone else smell parallels between human race relations?
This could turn out to be a preachy bore-fest with pretty graphics. Or it could turn out to be the rarest of all film gems: a summer blockbuster that actually means something.
Either way, prepare to stock up on overpriced concession stand food and escape the heat for a couple hours. Summer movie season is upon us. Embrace it or perish.
Eric Wendt can be reached at
ewendt@theorion.com
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