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Sex is not always an enjoyable experience.
For abuse survivors, sexual contact of any kind can feel hurtful and dangerous.
Whether it is unwanted touching, brutal rape or anything between, sexual violence can have negative consequences on the abused person’s sexuality. He or she may become afraid of sex, find it difficult to maintain intimate relationships, have disturbing sexual thoughts or experience other side effects, according to an article on healthyplace.com.
Men can have difficulties ejaculating or getting an erection, while women may suffer from vaginal pain or problems reaching orgasm.
One of the first steps in the healing process is to have the person willfully recognize the trauma, said Nancy Calkins, a marriage and family therapist in Chico.
In therapy sessions, Calkins empowers the client with role re-enactment, in which he or she is given the authority to say “yes” or “no” to various situations that imitate real life, she said.
Reverend Sandi John, another therapist in Chico, stressed that blame should never be a factor in how sexual victims feel.
“Never think ‘maybe I caused this,'" John said. “For example, if you got drunk and someone slipped something into your drink and raped you, you can use the situation to make good future judgment. But don’t blame yourself for what happened in the past.”
There are several ways to help transition the role of sex in your life from harmful to pleasurable if you were abused and want to be sexual with a new or existing partner.
Healthyplace.com suggested being aware of how you respond to physical contact with your partner. Often, small touches, such as a back rub or kiss on the cheek, can trigger flashbacks of the abuse. Know your limits and slowly let your partner show you that physical intimacy can be pleasant.
Visualize yourself as a healthy, sexual being and know your body, mind and soul deserve to be loved by someone worthwhile.
In general, only think of sexuality in a positive light. For example, use optimistic words to describe sex and avoid any visuals that may portray violent sexual acts.
If you are in a relationship with a person who was sexually violated, be aware it may take a lot of time before he or she can completely open up to you, which can be frustrating. Be mindful that he or she needs to have control in intimate situations and continually show him or her that you are safe person to be around by being gentle, loving, patient and supportive.
It’s never too late to be proud of your sexuality.
Jeanetta Bradley can be reached at
sexcolumnist@theorion.com
For more information, visit:
To talk with a counselor about sexual assault or abuse, call:
Nancy Calkins: (530) 864-2268
Sandi John: (530) 809-0409
