2008 Woodie Awards
Textual relationships save students from heartbreak
By: Megan Wilson
Issue date: 5/21/08 Section: Opinion
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I've never actually experienced either emotion, but almost any song on the radio is bound to contain one or the other - and it all sounds awful.
Some people have unhealthy ways of overcompensating with an abundance of either of the above. Take, for example, a Chico man recently arrested for allegedly breaking into the house of a woman he was allegedly stalking. He, apparently, hasn't gotten the memo.
This is the 21st century, and romance is evolving. Forget pathetic voicemails and archaic "Do you like me? Check 'yes' or 'no'" notes. They're doomed for failure from the beginning.
Instead, follow this simple plan and you should become a modern-day Casanova
Step No. 1: Know the name
"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."
No, it wouldn't. Forget anything William Shakespeare taught you. If history and "classic" literature have taught us anything, it's that neither have taught us anything. Immediately disregard anything you thought you knew.
The first and only thing you have to do when meeting new people is to learn their names. This is important, because then you can look them up on MySpace or Facebook. It has become perfectly acceptable in society to befriend people over the Internet, even if you've only seen them once. It is on these sites that you can learn everything you need to know about the person.
Step No. 2: Making the textual first move.
Taking your nonpersonal relationship to the next level relies heavily on getting a - valid - telephone number from your romantic interest. It is then the amorous art of text messaging can begin. Whoever initiates the exchange typically asks a profound question - "What's up?" - prompting a response. It is then the responsibility of the other person to craft an answer that is witty, funny, smart and flirty: "Not much, u?"
This could take hours.
Step No. 3: Escalating the conversation.
The amount of popularity a person has is directly proportional to how much of their life is consumed by texting. Achieving this attractiveness means texting at inopportune moments: while walking, in class, while driving, at work, while hanging out with actual friends or during a movie - with extra popularity points if it's in a theater. Expressing your emotions - "So bored…" - shows you are not only thinking of the person, but that you're able to open up to them.
Step No. 4: The drunken text.
Studies have shown it's nearly impossible to resist texting while drunk. While it's not recommended, here are a few guidelines:
a. Spelling doesn't matter: "We sohhuld hanglg out sumtime." They'll figure it out.
b. State the obvious: "Its thurrsday!!!"
c. Make sure to emphasize your intoxication: "Im soooo wasted!"
Executing the perfect drunk texts will solidify the bond you think you've created while inebriated.
Step No. 5: The phone call.
Eventually, one person will try to call the other. Of course, they won't answer because no one actually answers the phone anymore - the voice feature on phones is slowly becoming obsolete. It's why speakers keep getting smaller while keypads get larger. Don't be offended, just leave a voicemail and keep it as short as possible. Inviting the person to go somewhere, such as an '80s party, is the best way to go. As we are the last products of the decade, defying the allure of an '80s party is just unfeasible.
Step No. 6: Breaking the text.
After several weeks of a text-based relationship, meeting face-to-face doesn't live up to the fantasy you created. The conversation is awkward, there's no time to think about clever responses and what would be considered flirting in the texting world just comes out as slutty in reality. To avoid a horrible text message breakup - or, even worse, being completely ignored - the evening must end quickly with an imaginary friend having some sort of crisis.
The lesson learned from this mock example is that the relationship needs to be put on hold at the texting phase. Avoiding all direct contact is necessary to dodge extreme emotion, which keeps you safe from feeling too much in both the positive and the negative. And the more superficial relationships you acquire, the less it will matter that you don't have a soul.
Megan Wilson can be reached at
opinioneditor@theorion.com
Related links
Chico man arrested in alleged Glenn County stalking case
Viewing Comments 1 - 2 of 2
Don
posted 6/20/08 @ 1:42 AM PST
LOL. Wow, what a sad world this is when all the communication is done through pure Gizmo garbage. The only way you improve the way you communicate is in person or, at the very least, through phone. (Continued…)
Mike
posted 8/26/08 @ 11:13 PM PST
I hope this piece is a shot at all the text messaging idiots who have forgotten the fine art of actually speaking to the live person standing, walking, sitting, or running next to you, rather than having the face buried in that little screen all day. (Continued…)
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