The Orion Online

Issue date: 11/12/08 Section: Entertainment

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Whenever I receive Mother Nature's monthly "gift," I don't Rollerblade manically or take my dog on a walk down the beach shore while wearing skintight, white running shorts. According to nearly every tampon commercial I've ever seen, this is what I should be doing.

Why do commercials - and typically infomercials - mislead us into buying their products with images of happy consumers sipping tea in Technicolor? If I am going to buy some useless invention for three easy payments of $19.99 at 2 a.m., it better be because of the Steven Spielberg-quality production.

Needless to say, these annoying ads are mindlessly effective and offer about as much as the foreign rip-offs they're selling. Whatever they're obnoxiously convincing us we need now, the ad agencies love to feed off our gullibility and tendency to run with the pack.

Kinoki Detox Foot Pads

I've watched this commercial several hundred times, and the black-and-white introduction has led me to believe that my body is filled with poisonous toxins that only the ancient Japanese secret of pedal detoxification can remedy.

I complained so much about how I would only ever know the true power of revitalization if I wore these magical footpads nightly. My roommate Rachael was apparently tired of my ranting and bought me the "As seen on TV" item at Walgreens over the summer. I have yet to use them because they reek like cigarette butts and come with a warning.

I'll just stick to my regular detox diet of cranberry juice and the Discovery Channel.

OMG - I'm OMP!

Thanks to the wonders of online social networking, tampon conglomerate Kotex now offers "Girlspace," a forum where girls can talk about periods, boys, shoes or, like, whatever. I was sure that I had every known abbreviation in the English language down pat, until I ran into OMP. This stands for "On my period" and will undoubtedly be the hot new menstruation lingo in every middle school girl's locker room across the world.

Grab your Kotex and head for the hills. "Trendiness" is slowly creeping into the female consumer's vagina.

Kenna can be reached at
entertainmenteditor@theorion.com

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