Aquarius Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Your degree will come in handy working at Taco Bell.
Pisces Feb. 20-March 20
Drug dealers have more self-respect than you.
Aries March 21-April 19
I'm totally naked under my turban. So, you single?
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your cat doesn't love you. He just has nowhere else to go.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Not even blind people would want to touch that face.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You're undeniable proof that there is no God.
Leo July 23 - Aug. 22
Drinking Diet Pepsi just isn't doing it for you.
Virgo Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You give your girlfriend the creeps. But she likes your car.
Libra Sept. 23 - Oct. 22
That dress looks great on you. Seriously. Looks great.
Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
I know 10-year-olds who are smarter than you.
Sagittarius Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You'd make love to your Playstation 3 if it were legal.
Capricorn Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Your parents are having sex in your old room. Right now.
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