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I never even saw it happening, though the situation unfolded in front of my very eyes. My friend was in an abusive relationship and I didn’t know until it was too late.
I could have helped, but I didn’t know the signs. I didn’t know when friends and I saw her boyfriend and he told us she just didn’t want to hang out, or she was feeling sick, that he had been telling her it was us who didn’t want to see her and we weren’t really her friends.
He even went so far as to tell her we hated her and he was the only person she could trust. He told us horrible things and I believed them blindly, not seeing he was constructing an intricate web of lies to cover his infidelity, abuse and the slow march of breaking my friend down — physically and mentally — until she relied only on him.
Looking back, I can’t help but wonder, if I had known how to read these signs, if my friend would have been in that situation for as long as she was — two years — or could we have saved her earlier?
Thankfully, she found the strength to leave him, but I can’t even imagine what would be happening even now if she hadn’t. To be honest, it would probably be still happening, and I would still be blind to it all.
The simple fact is, as outsiders in the situation we can do more than just watch abuse happen. Knowing what to look for is essential to getting out of the situation. Obviously, everyone knows domestic abuse happens and we know to look for the obvious signs — a black eye, bruises, a certain sort of dejection that follows the victim — but when the abuse is emotional or financial, it’s much harder to spot. There are so many ways for abusers to attack, you probably couldn’t even tell it had happened until it was all over. You might not even be able to tell if it was happening to you until it was all over.
The important thing to remember is intimate partner abuse is not just perpetrated by men against women. I say “intimate partner abuse” because the definition of domestic partner abuse implies you have to be living together, or in a serious relationship for it to “count” as domestic abuse. Women can have the same control over men and the problem isn’t limited to homosexual couples. Abuse is abuse, whether it’s in a straight, gay, lesbian or transgender relationship.
According to some very informative fliers I found at Chico State’s Safe Place, in Siskiyou 115, there are five different kinds of abusive tactics: physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse and identity abuse.
Physical abuse is any threat or physical behavior from one partner to another. Remember, there’s no such thing as accidental abuse. If your partner has ever hit, thrown things, kicked or restrained you, it is time to seek some serious help.
Sexual abuse is defined as any forced sexual act. Rape is a form of sexual abuse, but this category can cover far more than that. Unwanted touching, demeaning sexual needs and treating a partner as a sex object fall under the terms of sexual abuse.
Emotional abuse is an attack with words meant to humiliate a person and can start a psychological breakdown, making sure the person relies only on his or her attacker. The flier also said there was a special type of emotional abuse, called “crazy making,” which relies on playing head games, such as lying, blaming the person for the abuse or denying incidents ever happened.
Financial abuse includes not only using a person’s money without consent, but could also include forbidding him or her to work or demanding him or her to account for every expense.
Lastly, identity abuse is using a person’s personality traits against him or her. This could be as simple as, “you’re too fat” or “you’re too ugly for anyone else to love you,” or as complex as threatening to out someone for his or her sexual habits or secrets.
Abusers are methodical. They will start slowly, with just small incidents that they’ll apologize profusely for, but the problems will become more and more common. You can say it won’t happen to you and you can tell yourself it could never happen to your friends, that they would tell you if something was wrong, but the truth is, abuse breaks people down both physically and psychologically.
But if you know what to look for, you can help stop it from happening to one of your friends or to yourself. Be aware of the signs that accompany abusive relationships. Keep in mind abusers can be any gender, race or creed. There is no “typical” abuser.
If you find out a friend has been experiencing any of these types of abuse, ask him or her to seek help immediately and know — as a friend — you can do a lot, too. Be a listener, not a talker. Help your friend think through the situation for him or herself, but don’t tell the person what to think. Help your friend find options, but don’t tell him or her what to do.
Listen without judging and believe what he or she is telling you. What you’re hearing may seem incredible, but it’s probably true. The most important thing you can do is to help him or her recognize what he or she is going through is abuse. Many people will try to downplay it as just a bad relationship. Make sure he or she knows what the different types of abuse are. Simply being a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear can be more help than you know.
Intimate partner abuse is preventable if the people around the victim and abuser can read the signs. I just wish I had known these things before so I could have helped my friend. Take the opportunity now to learn about what abuse is and how you can stop it from happening to someone you love. Don’t wait until it’s over to realize the signs were in front of you the whole time. Your friend may not be as lucky as mine was.
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