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A lot of fuss has been made about Tiger Woods after he hit a fire hydrant and a large tree with his Cadillac Escalade at 2:25 a.m. Friday while pulling out of his driveway in Isleworth, Fla.
Rumors are flying as to why in hell Woods was leaving his mansion at such a strange hour the day after Thanksgiving and Woods hasn’t done anything to quell them — he has withdrawn from his own tournament Thursday, doesn’t plan to play golf until 2010 and has refused to talk to the media and police about the crash.
Since Woods isn’t required by Florida law to speak to police about the accident — and because he’s generally tightlipped about everything — it’s highly unlikely he’s ever going to speak about what actually went down.
But if Woods chooses to talk about his accident, I’ve compiled a handy list of excuses he could use to give him an easy out. You’re welcome, Tiger.
Too much Grand Theft Auto
Woods’ favorite Xbox 360 game has got to be “Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10,” because he loves to see himself win. However, one of his friends gave him “Grand Theft Auto 4” recently and Woods has become hooked. After a quick and early Thanksgiving dinner, Woods ran upstairs and started a marathon GTA session lasting more than 10 hours. But a power outage occurred at about 2 a.m. and, though his Xbox was off, the mental line between fantasy and reality started to blur and he thought he was still playing. Woods went on a drive to rob the nearest gun store and swerved to hit the pedestrians along the way. Too bad those pedestrians were actually a fire hydrant and a tree.
Black Friday shopping
Nobody loves saving money more than rich people. When Woods heard Wal-Mart was selling the Barbie Power Wheels Ride-On toy jeep for $88, he had to get one. Problem was he couldn’t contain his excitement, started to pretend his Escalade was the Barbie jeep and decided to do a little off-road driving — right into a tree.
Problems with in-laws
It all started when Woods’ father-in-law refused to pass him the cranberry sauce. It escalated when his mother-in-law told him he couldn’t have any Cool Whip on his pumpkin pie because “men his age should limit their dairy intake.” When the in-laws finally walked home at the ungodly hour of 2:25 a.m., Woods attempted to run them over to rid them from his life. But they used their agility and evaded Woods, causing him to crash.
He was rockin’ out
In order to keep that Gillette-sponsored face in top shape, Woods has to meet with a personal trainer at ridiculously early hours of the morning. Still a little groggy from waking up, Woods began listening to the workout play list on his iPod to get him in the exercising mood. That’s when Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It” came on, causing Woods to lose control of his Escalade in a fit of blind, hair-band rage.
Phil can be reached at
sportseditor@theorion.com
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